Levi who is called Biff

[Biff settles down in front of the camera. He seems to be lightly grasping something in his hand, but it's small enough that it isn't immediately visible to his viewing audience. He grins.]

I have never been to a place like that port before. I have been to the sea, but this was a different sort of beach. This beach was for holidays and sunbathing and those little drinks with the umbrella in them.

Many people worried, when we went to port, about things like food and what we would drink. [He shakes his head, still smiling, and lowers his voice.] I did not worry.

[He holds up the thing in his hand so everyone can have a look. It's...a shell. Just your average seashell, this one looking a little worse for the wear, with a chipped edge and a small hole through it. It's a very unimpressive specimen, actually.]

This is beautiful.

[He laughs, looking a little abashed for a moment.]

Obviously, I have seen seashells before. Who hasn't seen them? They're everywhere, like rocks. But there are ways in which this specific seashell is beautiful. It is not like other seashells. Okay, it is a little damaged and there is a weird stain on the inside, right there.

[Biff points out the weird stain in question.]

But you can find beauty in things that are damaged, too. They are just beautiful in other ways. I can't fix the hole in the seashell, but if I work hard enough to wash it, maybe the stain will come out.

Even if the stain never comes out, the seashell is still very beautiful.

[He pauses, contemplating where he's going with this analogy.]

Persephone, you are amazing. You are able to make plants grow where there is nothing, and you love this gift. That love is what makes you beautiful.

I must teach you to love people in the way you love plants. That is your stain.

( Warden Filter, Private notes to Bruce Wayne and the Seventh Doctor. )

Coyolxauhqui! Thank you for the Ballgame! I had an excellent time learning to play.

[Pause.]

Please do not break my ribs when we play next time. It hurts to breathe and now I am forced to stay in the infirmary and will miss the movie tonight, if there is to be a movie.

I will not be able to see the Star Wars hexalogy.

[Siiigh.]

Loki, you are very bad at this game. I will help you learn. Did you see me? I was wonderful. I am very good at the Ballgame. In fact, I should play professionally. I am that good. Are there professional Ulla-whatsit teams?

[Another pause. Bored Biff is bored.]

Have I told anyone about the time I nearly died when I tried to shave a yak? I was hurt much worse than this. The yak did not want to be shaved by me.

[...]

It would be nice if a pretty girl would bring me water.

Shego, maybe. Or someone. Maybe not water. I would just like to see a pretty girl.

It is very boring in here and I do not feel right to talk to the doctors. Even though they, too, are very pretty.

[Spam & multiple threads welcome if anyone is so inclined. :)]

Hello, boat people! Was my smiling, handsome face missed by all?

I was in what is colloquially called a boat coma. However, I believe this is incorrect, as I did not require food, water, or a little tube up my nose.

(Although, I am insatiably hungry and would love three slices of bacon. Paddy, may I have bacon? Or perhaps pizza. Could you make pizza with strips of bacon instead of pepperoni? I think this would be a most excellent pizza. We could call it the Unclean Pizza. Or the Biff.

I think I would like it named after me, actually. The Biff. "Paddy, I want the Biff Special", which is, of course, pizza with bacon and mushrooms.)

Appetite aside, I insist I slept. In fact, I had a dream, but I will not repeat it to you as it is adult-oriented and has much to do with nocturnal emissions, and I hear there are children aboard. Or were children aboard. I'm a little confused on that point.

Anyway, I have slept for thirteen days and ten hours. The minutes I do not know, but I think this may be a record. I would like to contact the Guinness people. Is that possible? I think the doctors may vouch for me and say verily, I did sleep for a long damn time.

I would like to think I have been missed, but I don't have a dead criminal to love and cherish as my own, and so there is no one to sit at my bedside and fret over my sleeping form, praying for me to wake.

Perhaps I should get a pet.

How do you all feel about pomeranians?

[Hello, Barge. Have...an eye. Also, part of a nose. The image tilts crazily for a moment, then settles as Biff backs away, his hands spread out in preparation to dart forward and catch the camera, which is perched precariously on something.

Slowly, he lowers his arms, but the camera begins to tilt and he does leap forward - more quickly than might be altogether normal - and catches it. He looks around for somewhere less unstable to place it.]

Um. I don't have a script and I'm having some technical difficulties, so if everyone would, please, just bear with me here. Someday I will be a famous movie director, but not today. And not tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a warden.

[Finally, he settles for just holding it and turns his attention to the "audience". He looks like a jovial soul - all smiles and pleasure to be here.]

Okay. Hello! My name is Levi bar Alphaeus who is called Biff.

[He pauses.]

We do the "who is called" thing a lot.

[And moving on!]

You might have heard of me! I wrote a book!

[He actually waits to see if anyone will respond.]

Anyone? No? Maybe?

All right. Well, the editing process is a long and strenuous one. While we wait on Penguin to get off their thumbs, I'll give you a brief snapshot of myself: I am a thirty-three year old Nazarene. My relationship status is "it's complicated", and I enjoy hip-hop, but only if I can bust a move and not bust a cap. I know Kung Fu, and I invented sarcasm.

I have a copyright pending on sarcasm. I'm not sure it's a retroactive sort of thing, which is unfortunate.

I'm here to be a warden to a dead criminal. Where are the dead criminals? I wrote a dirge for you, dead criminals! I sing great dirges. Listen:

[And now he starts to sing.]

Sorry you're dead and were criminals, and now you're on a boat in the middle of nowhere, la-la-la,
Because if you hadn't been criminals you wouldn't be on a boat, la-la-la,
I guess you shouldn't have stolen money or killed people or committed genocide or been vampires, boom-shaka-laka,
But you'd still be dead either way so I hope you killed someone interesting, la-la-la.

[Pause.]

It would sound much better in Aramaic.