Video

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Hello, Barge. Have...an eye. Also, part of a nose. The image tilts crazily for a moment, then settles as Biff backs away, his hands spread out in preparation to dart forward and catch the camera, which is perched precariously on something.

Slowly, he lowers his arms, but the camera begins to tilt and he does leap forward - more quickly than might be altogether normal - and catches it. He looks around for somewhere less unstable to place it.]

Um. I don't have a script and I'm having some technical difficulties, so if everyone would, please, just bear with me here. Someday I will be a famous movie director, but not today. And not tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a warden.

[Finally, he settles for just holding it and turns his attention to the "audience". He looks like a jovial soul - all smiles and pleasure to be here.]

Okay. Hello! My name is Levi bar Alphaeus who is called Biff.

[He pauses.]

We do the "who is called" thing a lot.

[And moving on!]

You might have heard of me! I wrote a book!

[He actually waits to see if anyone will respond.]

Anyone? No? Maybe?

All right. Well, the editing process is a long and strenuous one. While we wait on Penguin to get off their thumbs, I'll give you a brief snapshot of myself: I am a thirty-three year old Nazarene. My relationship status is "it's complicated", and I enjoy hip-hop, but only if I can bust a move and not bust a cap. I know Kung Fu, and I invented sarcasm.

I have a copyright pending on sarcasm. I'm not sure it's a retroactive sort of thing, which is unfortunate.

I'm here to be a warden to a dead criminal. Where are the dead criminals? I wrote a dirge for you, dead criminals! I sing great dirges. Listen:

[And now he starts to sing.]

Sorry you're dead and were criminals, and now you're on a boat in the middle of nowhere, la-la-la,
Because if you hadn't been criminals you wouldn't be on a boat, la-la-la,
I guess you shouldn't have stolen money or killed people or committed genocide or been vampires, boom-shaka-laka,
But you'd still be dead either way so I hope you killed someone interesting, la-la-la.

[Pause.]

It would sound much better in Aramaic.

Comments

Private

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

I don't know Batman's superpower. Because I'm not Batman, and I'm not lying.

Is that clearer?

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

If you were lying, wouldn't you say you weren't lying?

Private

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

But if I'm not lying, I would also say that I'm not lying. Right?

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

That's true.

I think I'll believe you, Bruce.

But if you were Batman, I wouldn't tell anyone. Your secret's safe with me. Except it isn't a secret, because you aren't Batman.

Private

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

[ This is totally a Bat-smile. But you won't know that. Probably. ]

No, I'm not.

Thank you.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Wait, who else told you to read their book?

Private

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

It's not his book. He's just a character in it - it's written by someone else.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Someone wrote a book about him? Do you mean a biography?

Private

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

It's not about him, exactly. He's a character from it.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I'm confused.

Private

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Your book has Raziel in it, right? He's like that. The books he's in aren't about him, or written by him. But he's in it as a character. Just not the main one.

Clearer?

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

So someone else wrote a book about someone who knows him?

Private

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Yes.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Oh. All right.