blesseddumbfuck

[Hello, Barge. Have...an eye. Also, part of a nose. The image tilts crazily for a moment, then settles as Biff backs away, his hands spread out in preparation to dart forward and catch the camera, which is perched precariously on something.

Slowly, he lowers his arms, but the camera begins to tilt and he does leap forward - more quickly than might be altogether normal - and catches it. He looks around for somewhere less unstable to place it.]

Um. I don't have a script and I'm having some technical difficulties, so if everyone would, please, just bear with me here. Someday I will be a famous movie director, but not today. And not tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a warden.

[Finally, he settles for just holding it and turns his attention to the "audience". He looks like a jovial soul - all smiles and pleasure to be here.]

Okay. Hello! My name is Levi bar Alphaeus who is called Biff.

[He pauses.]

We do the "who is called" thing a lot.

[And moving on!]

You might have heard of me! I wrote a book!

[He actually waits to see if anyone will respond.]

Anyone? No? Maybe?

All right. Well, the editing process is a long and strenuous one. While we wait on Penguin to get off their thumbs, I'll give you a brief snapshot of myself: I am a thirty-three year old Nazarene. My relationship status is "it's complicated", and I enjoy hip-hop, but only if I can bust a move and not bust a cap. I know Kung Fu, and I invented sarcasm.

I have a copyright pending on sarcasm. I'm not sure it's a retroactive sort of thing, which is unfortunate.

I'm here to be a warden to a dead criminal. Where are the dead criminals? I wrote a dirge for you, dead criminals! I sing great dirges. Listen:

[And now he starts to sing.]

Sorry you're dead and were criminals, and now you're on a boat in the middle of nowhere, la-la-la,
Because if you hadn't been criminals you wouldn't be on a boat, la-la-la,
I guess you shouldn't have stolen money or killed people or committed genocide or been vampires, boom-shaka-laka,
But you'd still be dead either way so I hope you killed someone interesting, la-la-la.

[Pause.]

It would sound much better in Aramaic.