Audio

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Public]

I have questions today. Eddie, maybe we can talk about these at your Question Club!

Question one. What do fireworks and barbeques have to do with gaining independence?

Question two. When I am talking beside an oscillating fan, why does it change the sound of my voice?

Question three. What is the purpose of a cock ring?

Question four. Where does the sewage go from the toilets here on the ship? Are we dumping it into space? Isn't that unsanitary?

Question five. Do vampires urinate?

Question six. Is gelatin kosher?

Question seven. What is guacamole?

Question eight. Why does the microwave in the kitchen keep asking me to enter in the weight of the food, when I only want to heat up a cup of water for tea? Water is not a food.

Question nine. I have heard that women who live together will "sync up". Do all the women on the barge menstruate at the same time?

Question ten. Do vampires menstruate?

I will think of more later.



[Private to Persephone]

How is your stain today?

I think we should do something together. Would you like to go to the CES with me? I can bring food and watch you grow things while we talk.

Oh, but please do not bring the bird.


[Written - Private to Molly Carpenter]

I have been talking to Victor Frankenstein. He says that I should have asked you to marry me before I lay with you, because I have disrespected you now.

I didn't realize modern sexual interactions were so complicated. You don't expect me to marry you, right? I hope I'm not insulting you, because I think you are pretty and fun and sensual, and I like you. You have very nice breasts hair. And eyes. You have pretty eyes.

But I don't think we should get married. I think you will get bored with me and then we will be trapped in a marriage without any sex and it would be very awkward because I don't know anything about you except that you are not a Wiccan and you have a dog named Mouse.

Also, you would have to convert.

I think.

I have to ask Josh about that one...

Anyway. Anyway.

I want to spend time with you. You make me laugh, and I am not so lonely then. Tell me how I can make it so that I am not disrespecting you.


[Private to the Admiral]

Can I have an mp3 player? You can have it back when I leave. Also, something to make it go. A computer? Is that how it works? You plug it into the computer and the computer into the wall and it charges the mp3 player?

Comments

[notiaraincluded.livejournal.com]

I can tell you that barbecuing and fireworks are things people do when they're celebrating. The 4th isn't the only holiday where you do either or both...it just has the attention.

The rest of that, you'll have to wait on someone else to answer.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Oh. That makes sense.

[Paaaaaauuuuuse.]

Why do people celebrate with barbeques? Why not with pizza?

[acid_rayne]

I, um...

Huh...

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Huh?

[tis_disapproval]

I cannot fail to be astounded...

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Why are you astounded?

Private.

[persephonepearl.livejournal.com]

I do not have a stain, but I wish to go to the CES. You should allow me entry there all the time.

Private.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

If I let you go all the time on your own, you would never want to spend time with me.

[sirius-is-a-dog.livejournal.com]

What is a cock ring?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

It is a little ring you fit around the base of your manhood.

[Be glad this is audio. Otherwise, there would be hand gestures.]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

I think nine and ten might be a little... personal. Possibly five too.

But they're good questions.

[pause]

What's kosher?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Kosher food is food which has been prepared in accordance with the Law.

That is, Jewish Law.

We don't eat pork.

I think gelatin is made from pork.

[truth_is_cold]

Two. The sound created when you speak is carried via soundwaves. The motion of the blades interrupts the particles carrying those waves. The fan "chops up" the sound.

Three. A cock ring is meant to prolong an erection and make it harder.

Four. The conditions of space would kill most bacteria that thrive in our bodies. So it's more likely to me sterile than if it was kept anywhere aboard the ship. Most ships I know destroyed it with heat.

Nine. I know my wives did. That's why I've avoided asking. [Because picking the wrong day to make a mistake like asking sucks.]

The others have me curious as well.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Two: Sound can not be chopped up. Sound doesn't have substance.

Three: ...How long does it prolong an erection?

Nine: Do you think they are all menstruating right now? [OH NO]

[yourunichase]

Because Americans like to burn things and blow them up.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I did not see a lot of this in St. Louis.

[worstsongever]

Yeah, I'm going to do some picking and choosing:

1. It's just about celebrating. And there's great weather in July, so...Barbeques. And fireworks are just entertaining.

3. Why am I even -- It's, uh, to stop ejaculation. [Awkwardest of awkward.]

6. Probably not.

7. Uh, only the best stuff around. It's made from avocados.

8. Try hitting the button with a picture of a mug.

9. I think if we all were, the ship would explode.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

3. How does it stop ejaculation?

7. Does it taste like avacados, or does it taste like...green? It looks disgusting. Like guano. It doesn't have guano in it, does it?

9. Can women do that?!

[Private]

[goodgrasshopper]

[And video, because Molly is making some interesting faces.]

...I appreciate Victor's concern, but unless his name is either Michael or Charity Carpenter, he can really keep his opinions on my marital status to himself. Trust me--I wasn't thinking about marriage, and I don't feel disrespected.

I would like to spend more time with you, too--I like you. But I think we can table the marriage discussion for a long, long time.

[Private Video]

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[Biff looks immensely relieved to hear he's getting out of the bleak, sexless marriage he's been building up in his head. He gives an easy laugh, now that his concerns have been alleviated.]

I will take you on a date before I ask you to marry me. Probably.

[Shrug.]

I told him you would not feel disrespected. I also told him that I don't feel that way, either, but he thought it was because you're a woman.

[A pause.]

I thought women liked sex, too. I don't get it.

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

No, we do not urinate. [Dracula's voice sounds flat and a little reluctant.]

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

...Do you do defecate?

[tadwizard.livejournal.com]

Vampired don't pee. That's the only question of yours I knew the answer to.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

So I hear.

Now I am curious where all that blood goes. And if they did urinate, would they piss blood?

[puzzleprince.livejournal.com]

I admire an inquisitive mind. [Even if some of those questions are a bit...silly.]

1. It's a traditional means of celebrating an event.

2. Sound waves move in the direction of your voice. When your voice reaches the fan, it causes your voice to vibrate and spin around the fan.

3. You've had this one answered, I see.

4. A question for the Admiral. I assume he incinerates it.

5. Apparently not.

6. Generally no, occasionally yes. Despite it's source, gelatin isn't considered a meat-based product.

7. A dip, originating in Mexico.

8. Press the automatic button twice. It'll set it on two minutes.

9. No.

10. Same answer as above, I believe.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I am still trying to understand the fan, however.

I think I'll experiment.

[counturfingers.livejournal.com]

Are you from the same planet as the rest of us? I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't get this.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

What planet are you from, and when?

[strangehistorian]

Oh dear...

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

What?

[timesbureaucrat]

One: I believe the fireworks are supposed to be representative of the explosions of warfare. Canons, in the case of the American Revolutionary War. The Barbeque...is rather more mysterious. Perhaps a remnant of summer bonfire celebrations? [Narvin trying to explain Earth customs is like an American trying to explain the British parliamentary system.]

Two: There is a sort of audio Doppler effect with the... [He stops and abandons the scientific explanation. This is Biff, after all.]

Because the fan blades chop your voice into little pieces and throw them back in your face like blood spatter.

Three: ... [He's not even going to go there. And decides to give up now before it gets worse.]

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

One: That doesn't sound right, compared to the other answers. But it does sound logical.

Two: What is a Doppler effect?

Two (b): Why has there not been a movie made about oscillating fans if that is what really happens?

Three?

[wichita-kansas.livejournal.com]

I don't menstruate. Sometimes women take measures to ensure that, uh... inconvenient visitor doesn't come.

[SHE EYEBALLS SIRIUS AND BIFF'S CONVERSATION, BUT DOESN'T INTERJECT. AWKWARD.]

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

You can make yourself stop menstruating?

[HORROR. OH GOD WOMEN CAN CONTROL THIS THING, AND EXPLODE THE SHIP WITH IT.]

[ifightfor]

[This post has promoted Biff to the status of potential question-bro on Rinzler's list. Yesss. BUT STILL--]

Define "menstruation".

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

It is the time during each month when women become very angry and don't let you lie with them.

There is a lot of blood.