Video

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Hello, Barge. Have...an eye. Also, part of a nose. The image tilts crazily for a moment, then settles as Biff backs away, his hands spread out in preparation to dart forward and catch the camera, which is perched precariously on something.

Slowly, he lowers his arms, but the camera begins to tilt and he does leap forward - more quickly than might be altogether normal - and catches it. He looks around for somewhere less unstable to place it.]

Um. I don't have a script and I'm having some technical difficulties, so if everyone would, please, just bear with me here. Someday I will be a famous movie director, but not today. And not tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a warden.

[Finally, he settles for just holding it and turns his attention to the "audience". He looks like a jovial soul - all smiles and pleasure to be here.]

Okay. Hello! My name is Levi bar Alphaeus who is called Biff.

[He pauses.]

We do the "who is called" thing a lot.

[And moving on!]

You might have heard of me! I wrote a book!

[He actually waits to see if anyone will respond.]

Anyone? No? Maybe?

All right. Well, the editing process is a long and strenuous one. While we wait on Penguin to get off their thumbs, I'll give you a brief snapshot of myself: I am a thirty-three year old Nazarene. My relationship status is "it's complicated", and I enjoy hip-hop, but only if I can bust a move and not bust a cap. I know Kung Fu, and I invented sarcasm.

I have a copyright pending on sarcasm. I'm not sure it's a retroactive sort of thing, which is unfortunate.

I'm here to be a warden to a dead criminal. Where are the dead criminals? I wrote a dirge for you, dead criminals! I sing great dirges. Listen:

[And now he starts to sing.]

Sorry you're dead and were criminals, and now you're on a boat in the middle of nowhere, la-la-la,
Because if you hadn't been criminals you wouldn't be on a boat, la-la-la,
I guess you shouldn't have stolen money or killed people or committed genocide or been vampires, boom-shaka-laka,
But you'd still be dead either way so I hope you killed someone interesting, la-la-la.

[Pause.]

It would sound much better in Aramaic.

Comments

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

A fake kidnapping?

We need little segments at the end of each entry. "Next time, in the life of Donald bar Jacob..."

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

Hey, it could happen, you never know.

And it's just Donny, guy, just Donny.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Yes, just Donny. But if you had your own soap opera, it would be The Life of Donald bar Jacob. Otherwise, it could be any Donny.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

It would probably be The Life Of Donald Donowitz, Otherwise Known as The Bear Jew, probably not The Life Of Donald bar Jacob. Modernize things a little, you know?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Being a Jew isn't modern.

But wait, what is a Bear Jew?

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

I meant using the last name, but never mind. Not important.

Ever heard of a werewolf?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Yes! I saw a movie -

[Paaaaause.]

There's no such thing as a were-Jew.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

There are vampires. Why not were-Jews?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

You keep kosher only on the full moon?

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

Your deviating from the original statement there, guy. Bear Jew, remember?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Do you...

[What.]

I'm confused. You turn into a bear on the full moon? What has that got to do with being a were-Jew? Wouldn't you be a were-bear?

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

I know, I'm just screwing with you. Bear Jew is a nickname of mine.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

That's unfortunate. I want a were-creature for a friend. That's a very powerful ally to have.

Well, maybe not. They're really only useful on the full moon. I couldn't tell bandits to wait until a full moon to attack me. They probably wouldn't listen.

I'll settle for a Donny.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

And we don't exactly have a moon while we're stuck here on this ship anyway.

But I sure do appreciate that you'd settle for a Donny.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

There aren't bandits here, either. Just dead criminals.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

Dead criminals kind of encompass a lot of things, bandits included, but I'm sure no one's going to jump you in the hallway and demand your money.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I should be more specific. "Roving bands of bandits". A large group of mounted men waiting in rocks to steal your women and spices.

Are there roving bands of bandits? Because if there are, in the absence of a Messiah or ten large armed Mongols, I'm going to need a werewolf.

Or a were-Jew. It sounds deadly, now that I've thought about it.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

Nah, no roving band of bandits to worry about here, unless the dead criminals get desperate for extra cinnamon for their toast.

Did you just say something about a Messiah?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[Pauuuuuse.]

No.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

And by no, you mean yes.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

...Yes.

I might have said that. But I meant it in relation to werewolves.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

Hey, I don't know you that well, you don't need to tell me anything. I'll forget I even asked.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that.

You can tell me the real reason you're called the Bear Jew, instead.

[actuallyagolem.livejournal.com]

It involves a lot of back story. We'll save it for another day, alright?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

All right.