Video

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Hello, Barge. Have...an eye. Also, part of a nose. The image tilts crazily for a moment, then settles as Biff backs away, his hands spread out in preparation to dart forward and catch the camera, which is perched precariously on something.

Slowly, he lowers his arms, but the camera begins to tilt and he does leap forward - more quickly than might be altogether normal - and catches it. He looks around for somewhere less unstable to place it.]

Um. I don't have a script and I'm having some technical difficulties, so if everyone would, please, just bear with me here. Someday I will be a famous movie director, but not today. And not tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a warden.

[Finally, he settles for just holding it and turns his attention to the "audience". He looks like a jovial soul - all smiles and pleasure to be here.]

Okay. Hello! My name is Levi bar Alphaeus who is called Biff.

[He pauses.]

We do the "who is called" thing a lot.

[And moving on!]

You might have heard of me! I wrote a book!

[He actually waits to see if anyone will respond.]

Anyone? No? Maybe?

All right. Well, the editing process is a long and strenuous one. While we wait on Penguin to get off their thumbs, I'll give you a brief snapshot of myself: I am a thirty-three year old Nazarene. My relationship status is "it's complicated", and I enjoy hip-hop, but only if I can bust a move and not bust a cap. I know Kung Fu, and I invented sarcasm.

I have a copyright pending on sarcasm. I'm not sure it's a retroactive sort of thing, which is unfortunate.

I'm here to be a warden to a dead criminal. Where are the dead criminals? I wrote a dirge for you, dead criminals! I sing great dirges. Listen:

[And now he starts to sing.]

Sorry you're dead and were criminals, and now you're on a boat in the middle of nowhere, la-la-la,
Because if you hadn't been criminals you wouldn't be on a boat, la-la-la,
I guess you shouldn't have stolen money or killed people or committed genocide or been vampires, boom-shaka-laka,
But you'd still be dead either way so I hope you killed someone interesting, la-la-la.

[Pause.]

It would sound much better in Aramaic.

Comments

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

For a good reason.

I didn't think there are copyright offices in Nazareth.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

There's a very large copyright office in the United States, however.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

... Right, of course.

How long ago did you invent sarcasm?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I think it must have been...at least two thousand years ago. Around the time I invented matches.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

... Even if it goes through, it would've run out long ago.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Look, I wouldn't have to do this if people would use sarcasm the way I intended it to be used.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

What use is that?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Not against me.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes, that is such an important distinction.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

If people are going to abuse it, they should pay for the right to abuse it.

Like the internet.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

For a man from two thousand years ago, you're well-versed in modern things.

The Internet isn't copyrighted, however.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I've had some time to learn. Mostly from television.

I know the Internet isn't copyrighted. I can't charge a low monthly rate for sarcasm and interrupt services when someone neglects to pay, though.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Here? Or elsewhere?

Actually, I'm sure you can try. Interrupt services when they use it against you, perhaps.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Elsewhere.

You're right - I could smite them in the mouth. But then no one would want to use sarcasm. They would switch to another provider, like cynicism or irony.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Cynicism is an attitude, and irony is much more difficult to pull off than most people assume. I think you'll be safe.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Most people don't know the difference. Even wit is a competitor.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Where exactly is 'elsewhere', by the way?

Oh, it is. But you don't seem to subscribe to it, so I don't think it'll be too much trouble for you.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Elsewhere is not here.

I prefer sarcasm.

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Obviously But where?

Clearly. It's simpler to understand and use.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Where what?

I like to think of it as "village idiot-friendly".

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Where were you before this?

With yourself as a test?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I said I was elsewhere.

That's the idea.

private;

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

You know, for someone who is supposedly stupid, you're acting quite well.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Who said I was stupid?

Private

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

Stupidity is way of life. You don't have to say you are to be.

But you're not.