Audio

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Biff sounds as though he's back to his cheerful self. If there's still something wrong regarding Judas, he's hiding it really well.]

I have taken down the flyers in the stairwells. If you are interested in nights of passion and strenuous sexual activity, you must inquire elsewhere. Preferably in a private communication to me over the network. I'll set up a social calendar.

I know many will object to my tactics, but as there is no way that I can afford to buy dinner for every woman on the ship, and there is nowhere to buy it anyway, I am cutting out the middle man.

Incidentally, I have learned that "safe sex" is a concern in the twentieth century. And that is not the "safe sex" which means "you must be healthy and have no back, neck, or heart problems to ride this ride". It means condoms.

I promise, the sex is safe. Very safe. Also, fun. Like a rollercoaster. I've never been on a rollercoaster, but I imagine they are fun. But not as fun as sex.

But here is my theory about rollercoasters: they have something to do with sex. Have you heard that one song?

[And he starts to sing "Love Rollercoaster" for a few lines, then breaks off, laughing.]

You get the idea.

[Pause.]

Also, I would like to speak to Jim Profit. I met your mother while she was here. How old are you, Jim?

[On a more serious note:]

I am sorry to hear about everyone who has been injured or killed. It doesn't matter the circumstances. Hurting is hard, and so is dying.



[Private to Persephone]

Persephone, I haven't heard from you since the end of the flood. I have tried to give you space, but now I think we should talk. Do you have time?

I have good news for you, even though I already told your mother. The Admiral has promised me you will receive your deal when you graduate.

Also, he gave me a cookie.

It was a little stale.


[Private to Bigger]

[Can you hear the shit-eating grin in his voice?]

Rollercoaster?

Comments

[Private]

[persephonepearl.livejournal.com]

I read.

My mother did not do what she said she would to have me returned home.

[Private]

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Maybe she didn't have time? Or maybe I convinced her that it is advantageous for you to be here. If you graduate, you do not have to go back to the Underworld!

[Private]

[persephonepearl.livejournal.com]

She did not leave me a note. All she did was leave me a pomegranate plant.

[Someone sounds more than a bit disgusted by that.]

[private]

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Biff, your audacity is one of the brightest spots about this insane place. Ha! May you find lots of riders.

However, I would suggest that you concentrate on a few rather than attempting to cut a swath through the local female population. Compatibility is always an issue.

At any rate, it amuses me that you are promising safety. Anyone who talks to you for more than ten minutes can tell that you are safe as houses. I am the one who should be making such promises to people.

I wonder why the worry about condoms? I will have to read up on it.

[private]

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I am trying to lure in those who are in it for no-strings-attached, one-night romances. If I go to individual women and ask if they want to have sex without any expectations, they'll slap me. If I announce my intentions to everyone, no one is insulted!

[SEE THE BRILLIANCE, DRACULA?!]

As for the condoms, they prevent chlamydia. And syphilis. Also, herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and uterine parasites. All sorts of sexually transmitted diseases.

Re: [private]

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

...

[Free penis rides. Inquire within.]

I suppose it does put everything on you. Unfortunately more mature, settled of traditional women may give you the Raised Eyebrow of Death.

[raisedinabox]

[...]

[Oh god, she didn't, please say she didn't...]

I'm twenty seven. You said you met my mother?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I did. She is a lovely woman.

How do you feel about having a stepfather who is either two-thousand and thirty-three or only six years years older than you are?

[raisedinabox]

I'm sorry Biff, I'm afraid you can't marry my mother.

[SORRY BRO. NO. JUST NO.]

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Were those pamphlets...effective?

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Yes, they were - but a gentleman does not kiss and tell.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. Of course. I was only wondering if they were useful as a form of communication here, so: that's why I asked that.

[George is not a very good liar.]

Private

[takingacut.livejournal.com]

[Of course she can!]

Not the worst thing I've ever been compared to. You just let me know when you feel the need again, sweet-cheeks.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I would not call you a rollercoaster. You are missing my point entirely. That was an invitation. To ride the rollerc-

Nevermind.

Would you like to have sex again?

Re: Private

[takingacut.livejournal.com]

It was a joke.

Just name the time and place.

[Private]

[sharpememory.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I have to give you advice right now. That is not the way you get a girl to hook up with you.

[Private]

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Ha! That's where you're wrong!

[Because it totally worked.]

[Private]

[sharpememory.livejournal.com]

Someone seriously went for that? [Pause.] Who?

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

[ Oh, Biff. He was so pissed. And then he read this. Now he's a bit less pissed. ]

I don't think what they are objecting to is the lack of dinner.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[Biff just makes life better with his dumbness.]

No one's objecting very loudly, Bruce.

How are you?

[fivestepsahead.livejournal.com]

[ Bruce is having a shitty day. So the making life better is much appreciated. ]

I'm fine. [ lol no. ]

And they aren't objecting because they are staying far away.

[crispycake.livejournal.com]

G-geez Biff...

[Why you gotta talk about that in public, man? :|]

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

What's wrong, Johnny?

[slayage]

[Amuuuused.] Well, at least you're up front about it.

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

It's important to be honest.