Video

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Biff settles down in front of the camera. His eyes are a little red, but he otherwise looks much calmer that he sounded yesterday.]

I am sorry for how I acted yesterday. I did not mean to alarm or anger anyone - I was not in my right mind when I learned Judas Iscariot found redemption.

[He says "Judas Iscariot" as though he has to force the name out, and it pains him.]

You may think I am a Zealot. Perhaps this is true, but it is not why I reacted as I did. Please understand that my reasons were more personal than simple dedication to 'scripture'.

I am calm now. I have had time to think and to talk to my friends. I have meditated. I have prayed.

[He pauses, then nods.]

When we came back from the island port, I told Persephone she had a stain, much like the seashell I found. It is her hatred of mortals. I have a similar stain: my hatred for Judas. I can't wash the stain from Persephone if I can't do it for myself.

Though I may not think he deserved to seek redemption, it is not my place to decide that. It is my place to find it in my heart to forgive him.

I can not do this yet. What I feel for him is too much for one day, or one week, or two-thousand years to wash it away. Time is not the only thing needed to heal this wound. But starting now, I will try to forgive him.

Please forgive me for the way I responded to this news.



[Private Video to Adam Monroe]

I am sorry I treated you and your love for him with disrespect. I have no doubt he changed as you say he did, because others say it, as well. But please understand it is hard for me to accept, because I was not there see him change; I only know the man he used to be, and the pain he caused.

I don't want my reaction to be your last memory of this place.

If he loves you, it will be the first thing I know of that he loved. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps love will be his redemption. You see? I am considering the possibility.

I hope you find happiness.

[Private to Edward Sexby]

If you are willing, I would like to talk to you about Judas.

Now that I am calm.


[Private to the Admiral]

Will Persephone be granted her deal when she graduates?

Comments

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Ah, but would it not also be disrespectful - of me, to you - if I were, as your friend, to give my attentions to the same woman?

[LOGIC.]

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

[Nnnngh....]

Well, I wouldn't like it, but...I cannot stake a claim on her, as I said. I would love to, but...she absolutely belongs to herself. None of us men have any say in who she chooses.

Besides, remember when I spoke of women who deserve the whole package? Love, tenderness, all I cannot, yet may aspire to, provide?

She is absolutely one such.

...absolutely.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

That is very nice. You should try to love her. Have you tried getting to know her? Talking, dinner, dating, walks on the beach? I understand this helps to make a love connection.

...Just to be clear, it is not Coyolxauhqui? Because I think she is very engaging and would like to attract her attention.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I...

I am unworthy of any such pretense until I can actually love. But I say, such a woman...might well be worth making the effort.

No, by all means, pursue her if you wish. I suggest you study her language and culture, as they seem quite important to her.

Just...beware her temper. She won't just break your heart, she'll take it.

Re: Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[That gets a laugh.]

I speak Nahautl, Dracula. I am teaching it to Martha. I speak Nahautl and Latin and Greek and Romanian - all languages.

I have the Gift of Tongues.

...Ask any girl I've ever known.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Excellent, well, that should give you additional chances to bond with her.

...Greek?

[Never mind. Shut up, Vlad.]

[Gift of tongues? *cough cough* He chuckles slightly.] I see.

Hm.

Perhaps at some point you should ask if she would accept ownership of your heart while it is still in your chest. She may find this romantic.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Yes, Gree-

[...]

...Dracula, is it Persephone?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

[Good-humored exasperation to cover for sudden internal flailing] Biff, are you going to just keep throwing out names of spectacular and powerful women at me until you get it? Because that isn't very fair.

Persephone did make me some flowers. [They're soft and smell good. Sssigh...]

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Persephone is my inmate, Dracula. I have to take care of her. If you are lying with her, promise me you are being careful not to break her heart.

[Pause.]

I think she has a heart.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I--

I am supposed to be protecting the lady in question's privacy. But...

I'm done with breaking women's hearts. Do you know what happens when you break a woman's heart? They leave. Even if there is a blood tie there. They leave, and it's even worse than physically feeling them die. It is like they take the world away with them!

I have not felt regret in hundreds of years, but I feel it now. I have no desire to compound my error.

Besides...

[He hesitates]

I know you are responsible for Persephone. But more importantly I know that you care about her. So I swear to you on what scraps of honor I maintain that I will not lie to you on this matter any more than were you her brother.

What I have told you is absolutely true. I stake no claim; I am merely at her disposal, waiting to see what she decides. I would never dare pursue her unless two things happened. I would have to know she desired such, and...I would have to be truly capable.

I told you my problems with feeling things. But some times, and some people, they make me want to. Persephone may or may not have a heart like a human's. but she still deserves better than I can give right now. Even if she were to come to want more from me than an assignation. And I know it.

I am not worthy of her. But when I think on her, it's true. Sometimes I find that I truly wish I was.

Just like I wish I had been worthy of Aleera.

[Just watch the denial start to crumble....]

Not to be husband or lord to a goddess, for that is impossible. And from what little I know of her, it is hideously inappropriate to even contemplate. Rather a companion who is there because she wants me to be.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I don't think it breaks confidence to tell you this, because she does not mind telling everyone a story they already know. On her behalf, I will say she deserves much more than you can give her. I don't say this to be cruel, but the reason she was here as a warden was to escape a marriage in which there was no love. She is the same as Aleera that way, you know.

She is running from a loveless husband. An abusive one. She is very strong, Persephone - but very weak.

On your behalf, I think you should be careful, even if you were truly capable and she did want you to pursue her. It is fine to spend time with her, and fine to wish you could be a better man. But I don't know that she will love you, and I'm afraid you will be the one to have your heart broken.

I am the worst person to give you this advice, though. The woman I want is in love with the Messiah. At least your not-love affair isn't a not-love triangle, yes?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I'm...hardly going to deny what I admitted outright just now. I stake no claim.

I do not expect love from her. I just...enjoy our time together without laying expectations on her like that. The last thing she needs is another dead-hearted male chasing her.

...your love entered a nunnery, then? [Doesn't realize Biff's being literal]

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

In that case, I wish you luck. I tried to pursue her, myself, but then I was made her warden and now she is off-limits. At least someone is having fun.

...A nunne-

No. No, no, she's in love with him, not the concept of him.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Had fun. Once. I don't even know if it will be repeated.

[Dude, wait, wut? *blink*]

...oh. That is a new one for me.

[As he finally starts to wonder who the heck Biff is....]

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Why wouldn't it be? That would be good for both of you. She would -

What is a new one for you?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

It would be good for me to be with someone with whom I could be just a man--not a human man, but a man. But I do not pin much in the way of hopes or expectations on a woman who I do not dare weigh down with them in any way.

Biff, I do not know what you know of my history, but...if your Messiah is the same one in whose name I once protected my country then this is a strange turn of events indeed.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

It is very easy to find a woman who will let you be just a man. The limitation is your own. Would you like me to talk to Persephone on your behalf?

...Did I mention the Messiah? I should not have mentioned the Messiah.

[Because Biff totally did not think Dracula would know about him.]

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Perhaps it is. I have more limitations than I ever imagined.

[Dracula had once been part of an order obsessed with upholding the Catholic faith--the Order of Dracul from which he took his commonest name. He has Christianity issues up the wazoo. But...]

It is all right, Biff. You merely shocked me. I will not pry. [Probably best that he doesn't.]

I...

I must speak with Persephone, I think, and ask how I may best be of service to her, and tell her as well that I...that I wish her happiness and would give it if I could find the key to doing so, in whatever way she will allow.

But there is something you can do.

If I ever start falling into error I may not be able to see it because empathy is almost impossible for me. But if I am told...I can correct myself. I never ever want to be someone she regrets having been around. So if you sense that she is unhappy because of me...get my attention?

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

It is probably for the best if you don't pry.

I would be happy to tell you if she seems unhappy because of you. Should I tell her to tell me so that I can tell you? Does that make sense?

Really, you should cut out the middle man and she should just tell you when she is unhappy.

...That is not what women do, though. Or most men, either.

Re: Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

It seems the least that I can do.

No, no, I don't ask you to play our go between. Just...if you notice anything.

I will beg of her the bluntest honesty.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Are you feeling better now? We have a plan, we have been laughing, you are fornicating with a goddess?

Re: Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I...ehh..what a way of putting it!

Yes. Thank you; I am in your debt.

Re: Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

How else should I put it?

[Good job, Dracula. Guess what his favorite subject is.]

Hm. Let me think. I know many good euphemisms for Onanism, but I have never given sex much thought.

Wrestling. Using the chisel but not the mallet. Going the extra mile. Hiding the salami. Bumping uglies. The horizontal mambo. Getting laid. Getting lucky. Laying pipe. Practicing the rite of Venus. Making whoopee.

...I like "making whoopee". It sounds whimsical.

Re: Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

[He chuckles.] True, "lovemaking" seems the commonest euphemism around, though apparently that is supposed to bear a different quality than fucking. "Assignation" is dead common among the English back in my time.

You know that there are books on the subject in the library? I discovered a Taoist treatise on fucking while looking for the sequel to The Tao of Pooh.

[Yes, he just admitted to reading The Tao of Pooh..]

They had some very strange ideas, but I very liked one particular passage about helping ensure loyalty through extremely good sex.

Re: Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[Something shiny!]

The Tao of Pooh?