Video

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Biff settles down in front of the camera. His eyes are a little red, but he otherwise looks much calmer that he sounded yesterday.]

I am sorry for how I acted yesterday. I did not mean to alarm or anger anyone - I was not in my right mind when I learned Judas Iscariot found redemption.

[He says "Judas Iscariot" as though he has to force the name out, and it pains him.]

You may think I am a Zealot. Perhaps this is true, but it is not why I reacted as I did. Please understand that my reasons were more personal than simple dedication to 'scripture'.

I am calm now. I have had time to think and to talk to my friends. I have meditated. I have prayed.

[He pauses, then nods.]

When we came back from the island port, I told Persephone she had a stain, much like the seashell I found. It is her hatred of mortals. I have a similar stain: my hatred for Judas. I can't wash the stain from Persephone if I can't do it for myself.

Though I may not think he deserved to seek redemption, it is not my place to decide that. It is my place to find it in my heart to forgive him.

I can not do this yet. What I feel for him is too much for one day, or one week, or two-thousand years to wash it away. Time is not the only thing needed to heal this wound. But starting now, I will try to forgive him.

Please forgive me for the way I responded to this news.



[Private Video to Adam Monroe]

I am sorry I treated you and your love for him with disrespect. I have no doubt he changed as you say he did, because others say it, as well. But please understand it is hard for me to accept, because I was not there see him change; I only know the man he used to be, and the pain he caused.

I don't want my reaction to be your last memory of this place.

If he loves you, it will be the first thing I know of that he loved. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps love will be his redemption. You see? I am considering the possibility.

I hope you find happiness.

[Private to Edward Sexby]

If you are willing, I would like to talk to you about Judas.

Now that I am calm.


[Private to the Admiral]

Will Persephone be granted her deal when she graduates?

Comments

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I...yes, there were three. I always kept three. [He considers this.]

The point you just made is nagging at me as have points from Aleera's letters. I cannot just set it aside. [Because logic actually works with him a lot of the time.]

I...cannot sustain myself on false hope. Whatever was between us was apparently false, and she feels, one-sided. I may miss her, but apparently the impulse is entirely selfish. Therefore the unselfish thing, the thing she would perhaps want more of from me, is to let her decide how and if we relate or not. I will force myself to do this, and as Charlie is fond of saying, attach no expectation to it.

I have enjoyed the affections of one woman, once, since coming here, but again, I attach no expectations to that one encounter. It would be...disrespectful to think I had staked a claim. I merely...enjoyed her company, offered my own whenever she should wish it, and...let her decide. It seems to be a new habit with me. But perhaps the one who actually has a heart should be the one making the emotional decisions.

Do you know what I really need, Biff? A friend who tells me when I am not attending to matters of friendship correctly.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I think you should not allow decision to fall to only the other person, Dracula. You will find you are not very happy that way, because you do not love them.

And I can tell you when you are being a bad friend. But you are talking to me, and you have listened to my troubles, and these are both good things.

Whose affections did you enjoy?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I thought the point of love was to seek the other person's happiness. If I did that well enough, she wouldn't leave. Loyalty would make me happy enough right now.

You have listened to mine and given me advice far more.

Oh...I... [faint wisftul smile] It would be inconsiderate of her to spread her name around.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

How long will you love someone if you are unhappy? You will resent them for being happy when you are not. Love is unselfish, but not selfless. No matter what the Beatitudes say.

Tell me! I am very curious now. I will not tell anyone. I promise.

Re: Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I seem to be considering overcompensating for my lack.

No, no, I cannot! If I do anything to displease her, she might...she might do the worst thing possible and not see me again!

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Give me a hint!

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Ah! You're making me laugh now and that is unfair. [but an enormous relief.]

All right, I will tell you a few things about her. She knows exactly what she wants, and is powerful enough that I never have to worry about hurting her no matter what state I am in. And because of that it was unlike anything in my existence. Ever. Almost...humbling. In a good way.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

It is not so lonely now, is it? Laughter is the best medicine.

Powerful, confident, and strong. And humbling.

Hm.

It was not Shego...Was it Coyolxauhqui? I think lying with Coyolxauhqui would be as you described.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

It is true that Coyolxauhqui practically leaves scorch marks behind as she walks down the hallway. But were it her or not, I simply cannot tell you, not because she bade me keep it secret but because it seems...disrespectful.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Ah, but would it not also be disrespectful - of me, to you - if I were, as your friend, to give my attentions to the same woman?

[LOGIC.]

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

[Nnnngh....]

Well, I wouldn't like it, but...I cannot stake a claim on her, as I said. I would love to, but...she absolutely belongs to herself. None of us men have any say in who she chooses.

Besides, remember when I spoke of women who deserve the whole package? Love, tenderness, all I cannot, yet may aspire to, provide?

She is absolutely one such.

...absolutely.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

That is very nice. You should try to love her. Have you tried getting to know her? Talking, dinner, dating, walks on the beach? I understand this helps to make a love connection.

...Just to be clear, it is not Coyolxauhqui? Because I think she is very engaging and would like to attract her attention.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I...

I am unworthy of any such pretense until I can actually love. But I say, such a woman...might well be worth making the effort.

No, by all means, pursue her if you wish. I suggest you study her language and culture, as they seem quite important to her.

Just...beware her temper. She won't just break your heart, she'll take it.

Re: Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[That gets a laugh.]

I speak Nahautl, Dracula. I am teaching it to Martha. I speak Nahautl and Latin and Greek and Romanian - all languages.

I have the Gift of Tongues.

...Ask any girl I've ever known.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Excellent, well, that should give you additional chances to bond with her.

...Greek?

[Never mind. Shut up, Vlad.]

[Gift of tongues? *cough cough* He chuckles slightly.] I see.

Hm.

Perhaps at some point you should ask if she would accept ownership of your heart while it is still in your chest. She may find this romantic.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Yes, Gree-

[...]

...Dracula, is it Persephone?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

[Good-humored exasperation to cover for sudden internal flailing] Biff, are you going to just keep throwing out names of spectacular and powerful women at me until you get it? Because that isn't very fair.

Persephone did make me some flowers. [They're soft and smell good. Sssigh...]

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Persephone is my inmate, Dracula. I have to take care of her. If you are lying with her, promise me you are being careful not to break her heart.

[Pause.]

I think she has a heart.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I--

I am supposed to be protecting the lady in question's privacy. But...

I'm done with breaking women's hearts. Do you know what happens when you break a woman's heart? They leave. Even if there is a blood tie there. They leave, and it's even worse than physically feeling them die. It is like they take the world away with them!

I have not felt regret in hundreds of years, but I feel it now. I have no desire to compound my error.

Besides...

[He hesitates]

I know you are responsible for Persephone. But more importantly I know that you care about her. So I swear to you on what scraps of honor I maintain that I will not lie to you on this matter any more than were you her brother.

What I have told you is absolutely true. I stake no claim; I am merely at her disposal, waiting to see what she decides. I would never dare pursue her unless two things happened. I would have to know she desired such, and...I would have to be truly capable.

I told you my problems with feeling things. But some times, and some people, they make me want to. Persephone may or may not have a heart like a human's. but she still deserves better than I can give right now. Even if she were to come to want more from me than an assignation. And I know it.

I am not worthy of her. But when I think on her, it's true. Sometimes I find that I truly wish I was.

Just like I wish I had been worthy of Aleera.

[Just watch the denial start to crumble....]

Not to be husband or lord to a goddess, for that is impossible. And from what little I know of her, it is hideously inappropriate to even contemplate. Rather a companion who is there because she wants me to be.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I don't think it breaks confidence to tell you this, because she does not mind telling everyone a story they already know. On her behalf, I will say she deserves much more than you can give her. I don't say this to be cruel, but the reason she was here as a warden was to escape a marriage in which there was no love. She is the same as Aleera that way, you know.

She is running from a loveless husband. An abusive one. She is very strong, Persephone - but very weak.

On your behalf, I think you should be careful, even if you were truly capable and she did want you to pursue her. It is fine to spend time with her, and fine to wish you could be a better man. But I don't know that she will love you, and I'm afraid you will be the one to have your heart broken.

I am the worst person to give you this advice, though. The woman I want is in love with the Messiah. At least your not-love affair isn't a not-love triangle, yes?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I'm...hardly going to deny what I admitted outright just now. I stake no claim.

I do not expect love from her. I just...enjoy our time together without laying expectations on her like that. The last thing she needs is another dead-hearted male chasing her.

...your love entered a nunnery, then? [Doesn't realize Biff's being literal]

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

In that case, I wish you luck. I tried to pursue her, myself, but then I was made her warden and now she is off-limits. At least someone is having fun.

...A nunne-

No. No, no, she's in love with him, not the concept of him.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Had fun. Once. I don't even know if it will be repeated.

[Dude, wait, wut? *blink*]

...oh. That is a new one for me.

[As he finally starts to wonder who the heck Biff is....]

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Why wouldn't it be? That would be good for both of you. She would -

What is a new one for you?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

It would be good for me to be with someone with whom I could be just a man--not a human man, but a man. But I do not pin much in the way of hopes or expectations on a woman who I do not dare weigh down with them in any way.

Biff, I do not know what you know of my history, but...if your Messiah is the same one in whose name I once protected my country then this is a strange turn of events indeed.