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blesseddumbfuck[Biff settles down in front of the camera. His eyes are a little red, but he otherwise looks much calmer that he sounded yesterday.]
I am sorry for how I acted yesterday. I did not mean to alarm or anger anyone - I was not in my right mind when I learned Judas Iscariot found redemption.
[He says "Judas Iscariot" as though he has to force the name out, and it pains him.]
You may think I am a Zealot. Perhaps this is true, but it is not why I reacted as I did. Please understand that my reasons were more personal than simple dedication to 'scripture'.
I am calm now. I have had time to think and to talk to my friends. I have meditated. I have prayed.
[He pauses, then nods.]
When we came back from the island port, I told Persephone she had a stain, much like the seashell I found. It is her hatred of mortals. I have a similar stain: my hatred for Judas. I can't wash the stain from Persephone if I can't do it for myself.
Though I may not think he deserved to seek redemption, it is not my place to decide that. It is my place to find it in my heart to forgive him.
I can not do this yet. What I feel for him is too much for one day, or one week, or two-thousand years to wash it away. Time is not the only thing needed to heal this wound. But starting now, I will try to forgive him.
Please forgive me for the way I responded to this news.
[Private Video to Adam Monroe]
I am sorry I treated you and your love for him with disrespect. I have no doubt he changed as you say he did, because others say it, as well. But please understand it is hard for me to accept, because I was not there see him change; I only know the man he used to be, and the pain he caused.
I don't want my reaction to be your last memory of this place.
If he loves you, it will be the first thing I know of that he loved. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps love will be his redemption. You see? I am considering the possibility.
I hope you find happiness.
[Private to Edward Sexby]
If you are willing, I would like to talk to you about Judas.
Now that I am calm.
[Private to the Admiral]
Will Persephone be granted her deal when she graduates?
I am sorry for how I acted yesterday. I did not mean to alarm or anger anyone - I was not in my right mind when I learned Judas Iscariot found redemption.
[He says "Judas Iscariot" as though he has to force the name out, and it pains him.]
You may think I am a Zealot. Perhaps this is true, but it is not why I reacted as I did. Please understand that my reasons were more personal than simple dedication to 'scripture'.
I am calm now. I have had time to think and to talk to my friends. I have meditated. I have prayed.
[He pauses, then nods.]
When we came back from the island port, I told Persephone she had a stain, much like the seashell I found. It is her hatred of mortals. I have a similar stain: my hatred for Judas. I can't wash the stain from Persephone if I can't do it for myself.
Though I may not think he deserved to seek redemption, it is not my place to decide that. It is my place to find it in my heart to forgive him.
I can not do this yet. What I feel for him is too much for one day, or one week, or two-thousand years to wash it away. Time is not the only thing needed to heal this wound. But starting now, I will try to forgive him.
Please forgive me for the way I responded to this news.
[Private Video to Adam Monroe]
I am sorry I treated you and your love for him with disrespect. I have no doubt he changed as you say he did, because others say it, as well. But please understand it is hard for me to accept, because I was not there see him change; I only know the man he used to be, and the pain he caused.
I don't want my reaction to be your last memory of this place.
If he loves you, it will be the first thing I know of that he loved. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps love will be his redemption. You see? I am considering the possibility.
I hope you find happiness.
[Private to Edward Sexby]
If you are willing, I would like to talk to you about Judas.
Now that I am calm.
[Private to the Admiral]
Will Persephone be granted her deal when she graduates?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 07:27 pm (UTC)But enough of him. Not dealing with Spike is part of the reason I'm atop the ship in the first place. I have a strange question for you.
How did you regain your capacity to feel?
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 07:32 pm (UTC)It was a moment of doubt and despair. I did not want to live without Joshua. It hurt too much. I wanted to feel empty, and I did.
...But I am the kind of person who bounces back, and there was work to do. An important book to write. And Maggie. Maggie was there.
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 07:58 pm (UTC)...deserved better than I could give. All right? I admit it. They did. Verona, Aleera and Marishka all did. I just wasn't capable. And at the time I couldn't even see that they did deserve better.
Aleera blames me for it, as if I deliberately withheld from her. But I just can't fake well what I am incapable of feeling.
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 08:02 pm (UTC)Private
Date: 2011-05-06 08:21 pm (UTC)At the time I was far too selfish to even realize I did wrong. But it is amazing the perspective that losing them all puts on things.
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 08:26 pm (UTC)I think in time you will be all right. You think you are crippled and can not feel love, but the Admiral brought you here.
He does not bring people here who are not capable of earning a second chance, and that is something we will learn together.
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 08:48 pm (UTC)[He shook his head.]
Around here even if I found some magical means to relearn feeling things...all I would have to feel is frustration or misery. Right now I like my numbness quite a bit.
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 08:58 pm (UTC)[He's totally serious about this.]
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 09:15 pm (UTC)But what is a Sugar Daddy? It sounds intriguing.
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 09:21 pm (UTC)Private
Date: 2011-05-06 09:57 pm (UTC)...
I wonder if she'd go for it?
Private
Date: 2011-05-06 09:59 pm (UTC)Private
Date: 2011-05-06 10:17 pm (UTC)There are a handful of women on this barge that have caught my eye. Elphaba, as I said, but she is...she deserves the whole package. If I woke up tomorrow and knew how to love, I think I might pay court to her.
[He considers Persephone, but she's a goddess and he knows that he's semi-crushing and she's far out of his league.]
But it's Lady Petronilla whom I speak of. She's crafty and selfish, but likes the finer things very much and seems to like me
cause I'm a big dog she wants to set on somebody. Woof.Private
Date: 2011-05-07 10:01 am (UTC)If I were you, I would hold out until I could be the whole package, though. Green skin, Dracula. Think about it.
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 12:00 pm (UTC)At least Petronilla or a woman like her would not expect from me what I cannot give...
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 12:05 pm (UTC)Private
Date: 2011-05-07 01:17 pm (UTC)Nobody asks me these questions. Perhaps it is good that you do. [Thinks on it a moment]
Biff, I do not know if my soul was taken or merely...affected. But there was a pact, do you understand? After that I went from fierce but capable of love and friendship to...as I am now.
The intervening centuries have deepened it, however. I can try to see what I can regain, at least when among those who call me friend. But I am at a disadvantage.
Still...I am no coward, either.
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 01:21 pm (UTC)Have you considered that maybe your soul is frozen and it needs to thaw? It takes a long time to melt frozen water. The longer it has been frozen, the more time it needs. Ice cubes to icebergs.
If your soul is frozen, you have hope. Better hope in the twentieth century, with global warming. Have you heard of global warming?
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 05:23 pm (UTC)It is said no one here is a hopeless case, but...I am still looking for reasons to make the effort. I tell you true, if I felt things clearly right now I would be in such agony that I would have thrown myself off the Barge. I miss Aleera, Biff. Even through what you term the "ice", I feel her absence. She just...made it official now. And I just have to swallow it, give her her wings and move on.
There are benefits to not feeling, depending on one's situation.
Perhaps I can work on being a better friend. I do not have so much feeling behind it, but I can still make the efforts that real affection would prompt.
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 05:32 pm (UTC)Balthazar had eight Chinese concubines. He said it was so he would not fall in love with a single one, and I think this is true. The more women there are to distract you, the less likely you are to fall in love.
I am sorry you lost Aleera. But perhaps you can win her back by learning to love her. Or you can take a lesson away, and love only one woman in the future.
If you wish for a friend, I am here. I am a good friend.
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 06:46 pm (UTC)The point you just made is nagging at me as have points from Aleera's letters. I cannot just set it aside. [Because logic actually works with him a lot of the time.]
I...cannot sustain myself on false hope. Whatever was between us was apparently false, and she feels, one-sided. I may miss her, but apparently the impulse is entirely selfish. Therefore the unselfish thing, the thing she would perhaps want more of from me, is to let her decide how and if we relate or not. I will force myself to do this, and as Charlie is fond of saying, attach no expectation to it.
I have enjoyed the affections of one woman, once, since coming here, but again, I attach no expectations to that one encounter. It would be...disrespectful to think I had staked a claim. I merely...enjoyed her company, offered my own whenever she should wish it, and...let her decide. It seems to be a new habit with me. But perhaps the one who actually has a heart should be the one making the emotional decisions.
Do you know what I really need, Biff? A friend who tells me when I am not attending to matters of friendship correctly.
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 06:51 pm (UTC)And I can tell you when you are being a bad friend. But you are talking to me, and you have listened to my troubles, and these are both good things.
Whose affections did you enjoy?
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 09:22 pm (UTC)You have listened to mine and given me advice far more.
Oh...I... [faint wisftul smile] It would be inconsiderate of her to spread her name around.
Private
Date: 2011-05-07 09:27 pm (UTC)Tell me! I am very curious now. I will not tell anyone. I promise.
Re: Private
Date: 2011-05-07 09:35 pm (UTC)No, no, I cannot! If I do anything to displease her, she might...she might do the worst thing possible and not see me again!
Private
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