Video

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Biff settles down in front of the camera. His eyes are a little red, but he otherwise looks much calmer that he sounded yesterday.]

I am sorry for how I acted yesterday. I did not mean to alarm or anger anyone - I was not in my right mind when I learned Judas Iscariot found redemption.

[He says "Judas Iscariot" as though he has to force the name out, and it pains him.]

You may think I am a Zealot. Perhaps this is true, but it is not why I reacted as I did. Please understand that my reasons were more personal than simple dedication to 'scripture'.

I am calm now. I have had time to think and to talk to my friends. I have meditated. I have prayed.

[He pauses, then nods.]

When we came back from the island port, I told Persephone she had a stain, much like the seashell I found. It is her hatred of mortals. I have a similar stain: my hatred for Judas. I can't wash the stain from Persephone if I can't do it for myself.

Though I may not think he deserved to seek redemption, it is not my place to decide that. It is my place to find it in my heart to forgive him.

I can not do this yet. What I feel for him is too much for one day, or one week, or two-thousand years to wash it away. Time is not the only thing needed to heal this wound. But starting now, I will try to forgive him.

Please forgive me for the way I responded to this news.



[Private Video to Adam Monroe]

I am sorry I treated you and your love for him with disrespect. I have no doubt he changed as you say he did, because others say it, as well. But please understand it is hard for me to accept, because I was not there see him change; I only know the man he used to be, and the pain he caused.

I don't want my reaction to be your last memory of this place.

If he loves you, it will be the first thing I know of that he loved. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps love will be his redemption. You see? I am considering the possibility.

I hope you find happiness.

[Private to Edward Sexby]

If you are willing, I would like to talk to you about Judas.

Now that I am calm.


[Private to the Admiral]

Will Persephone be granted her deal when she graduates?

Comments

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I cannot. They slip away from me. It is a matter of an essential deficiency. Like the man with no eyes. I do not know if there is some magic or miracle that might change that, but...

...I do not neglect my emotions, I simply cannot maintain them.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

That's a shame. I have been empty like that before. I think it would be lonely, to be empty and alone on the highest point of the ship.

[He begins speaking in Romanian - that Gift of Tongues, how handy it comes in sometimes.]

This is your language, yes?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Perhaps part of it is that I do not desire to give my enemies here a chance to mock me while I am wounded. I would explode. I don't need a stretch in Zero to compound what I am going through.

The other is simply...I don't know. Perhaps Charlie is right. I do not wish to look weak. Bad enough that my argument with Aleera, including all her endless accusations, were made public by her for all to watch. I am humiliated that she spread our private issues out on display thus.

[A brief pause from surprise before he switches to Romanian.]

Yes.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[Continuing in Romanian:]

I thought you would feel more comfortable this way. Persephone enjoys speaking in Greek, and I enjoy Aramaic with Bruce. He is still learning, of course. But it is like a piece of home.

I have not known Aleera very long, but others say she does not think before she acts sometimes. I do not think she meant to be cruel to you, but that she was only thoughtless. It does not make the embarrassment less, of course, and I am sorry you are suffering.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Thank you. My command of English has improved in the last decade, but I prefer my own language.

Aleera seems to believe she is being brave and honest by putting this all out in the open, and allowing everyone to question her on matters that are private. Doubtless, from the tone of what she has said, she also believes that I deserve at least some humiliation. I do not accuse her of deliberate cruelty. I think she thinks she is being "righteous".

But whatever the case, it is done, and I am certain my enemies have gleefully taken note.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I did not read what she wrote. It is not my business.

I do think that you should wait a while before entering the world of romance again, though. You are...

[Pause, because what is the word for this in Romanian? He switches back to English.]

Rebounding.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Ironically, you I would not particularly mind knowing some of it, after all this.

But no, it is people like Spike who will be taking copious notes so he can throw it back in my face later.

As for romance...I don't love, so it shouldn't matter all that much. But I am going to stop pretending to love, care, or empathize. It is too much effort.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I do not like Spike. He reminds me of a bully I once knew.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

He is a bully. And a liar, and he should be an inmate, not a Warden. He only abuses his power and privilege, and he is allowed to get away with it.

But enough of him. Not dealing with Spike is part of the reason I'm atop the ship in the first place. I have a strange question for you.

How did you regain your capacity to feel?

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[Silence on his end for a long time.]

It was a moment of doubt and despair. I did not want to live without Joshua. It hurt too much. I wanted to feel empty, and I did.

...But I am the kind of person who bounces back, and there was work to do. An important book to write. And Maggie. Maggie was there.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I have not bounced back in four hundred years, Biff. And I had women there with me, women who...

...deserved better than I could give. All right? I admit it. They did. Verona, Aleera and Marishka all did. I just wasn't capable. And at the time I couldn't even see that they did deserve better.

Aleera blames me for it, as if I deliberately withheld from her. But I just can't fake well what I am incapable of feeling.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

They wanted you to love them and you did not?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

They loved me and I was too crippled to love them back. I said the words, I took the actions, but I know now that Aleera at least knew the difference all along. Which means all of them did.

At the time I was far too selfish to even realize I did wrong. But it is amazing the perspective that losing them all puts on things.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

You can not fool women for very long. They are smart about these things.

I think in time you will be all right. You think you are crippled and can not feel love, but the Admiral brought you here.

He does not bring people here who are not capable of earning a second chance, and that is something we will learn together.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I gave everything I had to give. Why do they always want the impossible? Children. Love.

[He shook his head.]

Around here even if I found some magical means to relearn feeling things...all I would have to feel is frustration or misery. Right now I like my numbness quite a bit.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

You know, you should find a young blonde with large breasts. Have you ever heard of a sugar daddy?

[He's totally serious about this.]

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Actually I know a young blonde with large breasts. [Though said young blonde would probably knife him if she heard him talking about her that way].

But what is a Sugar Daddy? It sounds intriguing.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

No love, no children, but she will marry you and spend your money while giving you incredible sex until you die.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

That does not actually sound too bad!

...

I wonder if she'd go for it?

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Who is 'she'? Maybe I can help.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

...

There are a handful of women on this barge that have caught my eye. Elphaba, as I said, but she is...she deserves the whole package. If I woke up tomorrow and knew how to love, I think I might pay court to her.

[He considers Persephone, but she's a goddess and he knows that he's semi-crushing and she's far out of his league.]

But it's Lady Petronilla whom I speak of. She's crafty and selfish, but likes the finer things very much and seems to like me cause I'm a big dog she wants to set on somebody. Woof.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Lady Petronilla seems very much like a woman who would like a sugar daddy.

If I were you, I would hold out until I could be the whole package, though. Green skin, Dracula. Think about it.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

There is no point in holding out for what will never come. You are too optimistic. You became hollow because you chose to. I have no soul to speak of. Crippled, remember? No amount of talking about my past with Armand is going to change that.

At least Petronilla or a woman like her would not expect from me what I cannot give...

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

How do you know you don't have a soul? How do you know you haven't misplaced it? Or that it's just hiding?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Ehm....

Nobody asks me these questions. Perhaps it is good that you do. [Thinks on it a moment]

Biff, I do not know if my soul was taken or merely...affected. But there was a pact, do you understand? After that I went from fierce but capable of love and friendship to...as I am now.

The intervening centuries have deepened it, however. I can try to see what I can regain, at least when among those who call me friend. But I am at a disadvantage.

Still...I am no coward, either.