Video

[blesseddumbfuck]

[Biff settles down in front of the camera. His eyes are a little red, but he otherwise looks much calmer that he sounded yesterday.]

I am sorry for how I acted yesterday. I did not mean to alarm or anger anyone - I was not in my right mind when I learned Judas Iscariot found redemption.

[He says "Judas Iscariot" as though he has to force the name out, and it pains him.]

You may think I am a Zealot. Perhaps this is true, but it is not why I reacted as I did. Please understand that my reasons were more personal than simple dedication to 'scripture'.

I am calm now. I have had time to think and to talk to my friends. I have meditated. I have prayed.

[He pauses, then nods.]

When we came back from the island port, I told Persephone she had a stain, much like the seashell I found. It is her hatred of mortals. I have a similar stain: my hatred for Judas. I can't wash the stain from Persephone if I can't do it for myself.

Though I may not think he deserved to seek redemption, it is not my place to decide that. It is my place to find it in my heart to forgive him.

I can not do this yet. What I feel for him is too much for one day, or one week, or two-thousand years to wash it away. Time is not the only thing needed to heal this wound. But starting now, I will try to forgive him.

Please forgive me for the way I responded to this news.



[Private Video to Adam Monroe]

I am sorry I treated you and your love for him with disrespect. I have no doubt he changed as you say he did, because others say it, as well. But please understand it is hard for me to accept, because I was not there see him change; I only know the man he used to be, and the pain he caused.

I don't want my reaction to be your last memory of this place.

If he loves you, it will be the first thing I know of that he loved. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps love will be his redemption. You see? I am considering the possibility.

I hope you find happiness.

[Private to Edward Sexby]

If you are willing, I would like to talk to you about Judas.

Now that I am calm.


[Private to the Admiral]

Will Persephone be granted her deal when she graduates?

Comments

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I would be angry, too. You are not here to be punished, and they are wrong to abuse you. You are here to find redemption. You should not let other people rob you of this.

Mindful breath, Dracula. Meditate, be silent, and pray if you do pray. And when you are ready, you can come find friendship with me.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Yet I have been punished. I have never been so brought low since I was a child at the mercy of the Turks. They say it is for the safety of Barge humans but my safety is compromised in the process.

And I still have yet to see how they plan to redeem me. Or even what that would consist of.

I do not pray. God hates me such that it burns my throat.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I know how it is to be oppressed.

Is there anything I can do for you? Tell me how to help you.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Your heart is as big as Armand or Martha's. I cannot dislike you even in my rage. That counts for more than I can fully explain right there.

But I...

...

I will try stillness.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Mindful breath. It will be all right.

Would you like me to sit on the deck and wait for you to come down? It will take me time to get there. I am afraid of the elevator and my ankle is sprained.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I...no. Not only do I not entirely trust my temper, but won't walking on that ankle, or inspiring you to walk on it, bring the wrath of Martha on us?

You fear the elevator? That is all right. I merely notice that most people don't want to ride it with me.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Martha will probably be angry that I am walking on it; that is true.

I'm afraid that the cable in the elevator shaft will snap and I will be plunged to a certain death. I also do not like that I am unable to see where I am going.

I prefer the stairs. I am only on level two, so it is not a problem.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Yes, well, that Disappointed Look of hers is rather deadly.

Elevators...are more than passing strange to me, but they remind me of automatic dumbwaiters.

I am on eight, but I have a few ways up to the deck and don't mind the stairs.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

She is deadly without the Disappointed Look. She breaks my heart that she is spoken-for.

But she is not my first choice here. Have you seen Shego? She is green. I like this.

[Why, yes, he is trying to lighten both their moods.]

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Yes, she is both beautiful and kind.

Shego? I have not. I have met Elphaba, however. She is beautiful, and green, and sings as well. I would very much like to listen to her sing again.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I have not met Elphaba. I have never been with a girl with green skin before.

I don't know if Shego can sing, but she can shoot green balls of fire out of her hands.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Neither have I. But I certainly would not be against it.

She is a witch as well? That is fascinating.

...

I tell you, the next Bride I take, I will spoil so well that she'll never abandon me. Never.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

This is probably a good idea. But you should love her, too. I wanted to take my friend's mother as my wife until I met Maggie.

Maggie loves me, but she loves someone else more -

Ah, it is complicated. Have you thought about bachelorhood?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

If I could give love, I would.

Bachelorhood? Giving up? Oh, what a sad, laughable state that would leave me in.

No. I will find another Bride. I will make certain that she knows what she is in for, what to expect, and what she cannot expect, and treat her better than any human man ever thought to. Next time it will work. Next time I will not be accused and abandoned by some inconstant woman!

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Why can't you love? Women will be inconstant if they are not loved. Men will be inconstant if they are not loved, too.

Everyone, really. Sex is very important, but love is more so.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Why can't I love?

I do not know. Perhaps I am too old. Perhaps the Devil has had his claws in me too long. I do not have the machinery for it inside of myself. I try...I have tried. The best I can do is sensuality and affection.

But to live like a monk because of what has been done to me and what I cannot help? I won't do it. I suffer enough.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

I lived like a monk. I was a monk. I became very good at controlling my "nocturnal emissions" and being celibate until the first time I saw a woman when we went into town. She was a crone, but highly imaginative.

For a crone, that is.

You should consider no-strings-attached promiscuity as opposed to your desire for a loyal, eternally-doting Bride. Unless you find someone you love. Love is important in these things.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

[A soft chuckle] Never underestimate the power of an older woman.

I suppose there is nothing for it but that. At least casual lovers do not expect things of me that I am not capable of.

But as for love...

...

What does it even feel like? I don't know. I don't have the mechanism within myself. You would have to describe it as a man describes color to someone without eyes.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

[How to describe love? Hm.]

It depends on the kind of love.

For Joshua, it was pure. I was never jealous, or hateful. I felt that I would follow him to the ends of the world - and I did. I would die for him. That is love.

For Maggie, when I was a boy, it was love without complications or expectations or lust. Simple. I would look at her and forget what I was thinking, and I would sit outside and wait all day to catch one look at her. It was the cleanest pain I have ever known. That is love.

And now, she loves Joshua, and would choose him over me if she could, and I do not care. I still belong to them both. That, too, is love.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

It does not sound like a skill one can learn. The best I could do would be to go through the motions and not know why. Rather as I go through the motions of being...humane...since coming here. It makes me, not happy, but miserable, for there is much sacrifice and no obvious reward.

I suppose I should not allow myself to become curious. I am a cripple where love is concerned and there is no point tempting myself.

Re: Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

If you do not feel love, do you ever feel happiness?

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Not really, not for long. A few moments, perhaps. It is like throwing an object into a pond. It's there for a little while, but then it sinks out of sight.

Right now I am waiting for "loss" to sink out of sight. Impatiently.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

Why do you let them sink? You must try to hold on to happiness, Dracula. And loss.

You will find love eventually if you keep those emotions with you.

Private

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

I cannot. They slip away from me. It is a matter of an essential deficiency. Like the man with no eyes. I do not know if there is some magic or miracle that might change that, but...

...I do not neglect my emotions, I simply cannot maintain them.

Private

[blesseddumbfuck.livejournal.com]

That's a shame. I have been empty like that before. I think it would be lonely, to be empty and alone on the highest point of the ship.

[He begins speaking in Romanian - that Gift of Tongues, how handy it comes in sometimes.]

This is your language, yes?